Saturday, November 3, 2012

Free Form Writing - Only Human


What does it mean to be human?

One of the definitions from Dictionary.com describes a human as;

"Subject to or indicative of the weaknesses, imperfections, and fragility associated with humans: a mistake that shows he's only human; human frailty."

Are we weak? Yes.

We hold impulsiveness, selfishness, compassion, empathy, sympathy, care, and love within us.

Are we imperfect? Yes.

We don't always do what is right, or best for us, bases off of emotion.

Are we fragile? Undecided.

We are easily killed, hurt, or maimed; we are easily destroyed from the inside out, but we still remain standing. Does this make us fragile?

Weak?

I can't decide.

For me I know my flaws, and I'm imperfect in the fact I'm not sure how, or even if I want to fix them.

I am scared often.

Of my abuser, fear he will return. Fear that if there is ever a next time I will not be able to escape anymore. Fear that if there is ever a next time I won't recover.

Of my father, fear of his instability. Fear that my life will forever be in man-made chaos and stress due to him. Fear of forgetting him, and what he was truly like.

Of failing, fear that I can't make it on my own after all. Fear that everything I've been told is true, that I am not mature enough, not wise enough, and not able to care for myself on my own. Fear of being proven wrong.

Of slipping so deep I can't get out. Fear that one day my depression I constantly fight will over take me and there will be no one to tell it its wrong anymore. Fear of losing the battle.

Of rejection from those I am close to. Fear of not being the person they need me to be. Fear of losing "that" person, again.

Of abandonment from those I love. Fear of finally pushing them so far they give up on me and walk away. Fear of being left alone, again.

Of bugs of all kinds, minus a butterfly or a rolly-polly. Fear of experiences with poisonous bugs. Fear of pissing off the wrong one and dying.

Of heights higher than me. Fear of falling to my death, and fear of one day embracing the negative part of me that whispers that wouldn't be so bad. Fear of flying.

Of love in the relationship context. Fear of being that vulnerable with someone. Fear of giving them enough to break you later with. Fear of trusting again.

Of sex in all context. Fear of being re-raped, hurt, or any of the aftermath like pregnancy. Fear of being used.

Of pregnancy. Fear of having to forever care for a child that might have been made from someone I loathed. Fear of regret, and hating an innocent.

Of feeling anything emotionally for anyone, even for myself. Fear of breaking my rules and feeling something so deep it must be expressed and when it does it is used against you. Fear of vulnerability.

Of embracing myself inside and out. Fear that I am in fact loving something not worth the time and effort. Fear of being the worthless being I have been told I am.

But for all these fears, there is at least one thing that can dissolve these fears in a heartbeat.

I'm still here.

I'm still standing, still breathing, still loving.

I am human for all my faults, but they do not merely make me weak and fragile, but strong and beautiful.

Maybe that is the allure of the humans. To be everything and nothing at all.

To be passionate, yet aloof.

To be wise, yet naïve.

To be strong, yet weak.

To be sturdy of heart and soul, yet weak of body.

To be firm, yet gentle.

To be emotional, yet rational.

To be imperfect, yet personify perfection.

Too long for love, yet fear receiving it.

To feel powerless, yet be powerful.

To be useless, yet useful.

To be faithless, yet have faith.

To be Human is an oxymoron in itself.

I think that's the best part.

We are a predictable is almost every way, yet we remain an eternal mystery.

To have this make total sense, and yet not at the same time?

Well forgive me,

I'm only Human.

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