Saturday, November 3, 2012

Free Form Writing - To All The Missing Pieces Of My Heart...


In counseling today my therapist said I had a big heart. It made me laugh.

The only thing I could think to say was it had to be big, otherwise they're wouldn't be anything left anymore.

It's true; I've lost so much of it over the years. I mean it's grown unbelievably, but I miss parts of it.

I never realized I did, it was just one of those things you didn't think about.

I've gain a lot of it back, but some of the pieces are cracked. I've got my duct tape and my super glue, but I think I must of failed arts and craft in kindergarten because they don't look quite right yet. I'll keep working on it.

Yesterday I got a new piece back, one I had forgotten I even lost. It was fractured, but I want to heal it so bad all my other work is on pause. I'm going to get over this one; I'm going to make this one better because it's so very precious to me. I'm doing it for my babies.

Yes I'm still deathly afraid of pregnancy and newborns, but I'm talking about my babies...

All my life I have watch children, babysat them, taught them, held them while they cried. I pushed them on tire swings and read them books. I love them even though they weren't my own.

In a time when my world seemed so bleak and dark I could always forget about it with my babies. I'm talking about the children I babysat, the kids I watched when I worked in the daycare, the ones from my time interning at the library, my cousins, even my friend's siblings. They were mine, all of them. Then suddenly they were gone.

The parents of the ones I babysat no longer came around, I was forced to give up the daycare ones to my PCOS, the library shoved me to college while they sent my little ones on to middle school, my friends siblings come and go as our relationship changes, and my cousin grow up to having their own friends and lives. So I stopped thinking about them, it made it hurt so much less.

But then my therapist hit a nerve. We were discussing my plans for the future, things like marriage and motherhood, careers and life. On motherhood I was talking about my absolutely undying love for children and I started crying, I didn't even know why. Now I do.

I cried for the loss I never allowed myself to feel. I cried because I would never know what happened to my babies. Did they grow up living happier lives than I did? Did I do a good enough job watching out and teaching them? Did they get hurt along the way? Do they even remember me?

So many questions bombarded me, and underneath it all the only thing I could think was, I miss my babies. I miss their smiles and laughter, their games of tag and make-believe, their eagerness for knowledge, for story time and finger-paints, for fairy tale movies and their ramblings of Hannah Montana. I miss their openness, their ability to become your friend immediately, their innocence, and their life without that hard edge of the real world upon them. Everything I miss in myself, everything that was stolen.

I used to complain about having to watch so many kids when I was just a kid myself, but now I regret it. One of my truest and deepest regrets. Every moment I shared with them is so exceptionally precious to me now. Every push on a tire swing, every hug, every off note key they ever sung to me, every slumber party and dress up day. They are impossible to compare. I love them all, and I miss them.

Yes it's probably better that I don't know what happened to them. If they didn't turn out like I had hoped I would blame myself and say it's because I wasn't there, I didn't do all I could, etc. Yes I know I could have kids one day and get all this and more, but they will never be my babies now, they will be different and beautiful all on their own. I know if I found my children now and they didn't remember me I would be crushed, so it's better not to know, to believe I did my part and they turned out okay.

They were my only loves when my world was dark and I miss them for that. At the moment I miss one of my favorite girls. Dana. She adored me and I her. She was the true reason I ever told anyone about my rapes, about my abuse. I overheard my attacker had been caught kissing her. I knew immediately he was setting her up for his next victim.

Such rage! I've never felt myself filed with hatred, but I did that night. My baby was in danger. I told my parents the basics of what had happened to me the very next night and I made sure to always, always, always keep her with me. I watched her like a hawk, making sure nothing else had happened to her, trying to make sure she was okay. She turned out alright, last I heard she was 8 and in a Gifted and Talented program at school, making friends, all that. It's been years though so I wonder.

Which brings me to another missing piece of my heart. The unknown ones.

Right before I told on my abuser I found out her had hurt at least 5 other girls before me. I grieve for them. I grieve for all the trials, all the pain I know they are going through. I don't know their names, their lives, nothing. I just know what they had to endure. I grieve for them, and I pray they are alright, whoever they are. I grieve for the future girls that will come into my abuser life. He's still free, living his life, doing what he wants and they have no idea. I watch him, try to warn any new girls he meets ahead of time, but there's not much I can do. So I pray they will be smarter, better, wiser than I was at that age and get out while they can. So I grieve for the nameless ones, the unknowns.

I know all of this is why I'm drawn to big families, immediately taking my friend siblings as one of my own. I love them as if they were mine. I know this is why right now I could never counsel children, I grow to attached and it would frustrate me to know nothing can change in their life and their disappearance would hurt me. I know this is why I fear miscarriages and pregnancy because of my PCOS and other issues. I'm afraid to be attached only to lose them. I know this bleeds off into my relationships in general, putting a barrier up to keep love at a distance. I know I reject people before I think they will reject me. I know I still have a lot of work to do. But for right now I can only think of one thing:

I miss my babies.

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