Saturday, November 3, 2012

Free Form Writing - Hair Dye.


Hair Dye.

I've dyed my hair today, a deep reddish brown.

I'm always dying my hair, changing it.

I wonder if it is because I'm just bored with it, or if I'm telling myself something.

My hair changes as I change. I must be changing a lot because it hasn't been the same since I was 15. Blonde streaks, deep browns, golden browns, reds, pink. Always changing.

Long, medium, short. Changing.

My hair is like my emotions.

Blonde streaks; light, calm, peaceful, feisty. Deep brown; thoughtful, sad, deep. (Haha, I know.) Reds; angry, rebellious, fast, fun, amazing. (Everything I feel now.) Pink; crazy, shocking, outrageous, hip.

But what about golden brown, my natural color? I don't have an answer for you.

I have been what others have needed for so long I don't even know who I am. I'm trying to find out. Give me a break I've been this way for almost ten years. It's hard to break this habit, to kill this part of me. It's not healthy. I shouldn't have to feel like I'm trying to survive anymore, yet I am. So what happens now?

No one tells you what happens once you're done surviving. They really don't tell you a lot of things. They tell you how to get there, that's the easy part. Go get counseling, walk away from a bad relationship, blah blah blah.

They don't tell you that you're still going to be depressed and numb and everything you thought you'd get over when you do get help. They don't tell you that magic word that will make everything better. They don't tell you how to stop; you have to figure that out on yourself.

So when you come from a situation like mine how do you find yourself?

For me I make list. I say what I do know, my absolute truths. Then I list things I don't know, things that change. So here is my list:

Things I know:
I like the rain, specifically dancing in it. I like smiles and laughter. I like singing with the radio. I feel old and young at the same time. My perfect night hasn't happened yet, but I get close every weekend. I ramble, but I like being able to talk about absolutely nothing. I like driving with the windows down, no destination in mind. I like sporadic ideas; random dinners in the middle of the night, going to the park to play on the swings. Random calls from my friends, or my love just to show they care. I like living. I like blankies and pillows. I like late night movie marathons and popcorn. I like hanging out and reading a book. I like just being with people. I like painting my nails, removing the polish and painting them again just because I can. I like calling my mom, Mommy, and my dad, Daddy. I like slumber parties and late night gaming, even though I'm not very good. I like talking and helping people, even strangers. I like creating new styles and destroying old ones. I like sleeping in and staying up late with people I love.  I love learning, I hope I never stop. I love stories, good, or bad, any story it doesn't matter. I'm proud of being short. I'm proud of being stout. I'm proud of my thoughts and my beliefs. I love my friends so deep my heart physically aches when we don't' get along. I'm white, but inside I'm black. I love big black women and their whole demeanor. I hope I can be as strong as them. I'm afraid of commitment, but I want to try. I love to love, even if it's not reciprocated.

 Support makes me calm. Love makes me happy. Trust is the key to my heart. Fear is the lock that covers it. On my wrist are shackles, one is pain and the other is joy. One could not exist without the other and together they rule me. Will I ever be let free? Yes, once I love myself.  I just have to get there.

These are facts. These are things that make me happy, things I like.
Now for the confusing part…

Things I don't know:

Everything.

Other people's thoughts, feelings, opinions. I don't know how to break my habits. I don't know how to change my views about myself. I don't know how to say no. I don't know how to stop being so submissive. I don't know how to stop being abused by people. All I know how to do is to take the hurt and carry on. I don't know how to relax, to enjoy my happiness. I've been on guard to long. I don't know what I am interested in; maybe that's why I like learning, to figure it out. I don't know how to make tiny decisions, I'm too afraid of making the wrong one. I don't know how to walk down the street without looking over my shoulder, especially for him. 
I don't know what I would do if I did see him. Probably run away in a panic like I always do because I don't know how to stop. I don't know how I feel about him, my abuser. Do I love him, do I hate him, do I pity him? Do I run from him, do I face him, do I scream at him, do I just stare? Do I continue to deal with him alone, or with others? Is that harder, or easier? Am I a victim, or a survivor? Both? I don't know yet. I'm still learning to think about myself.

Am I worth this trouble, or not? Am I a good person, or not? Am I strong, or weak? Am I black, or white? My opinions of myself change daily and are highly bias on my behalf. Sometimes I know I'm right and other times I need a friend to remind me I could be wrong. I know I'm simple and overwhelming at once. Don't worry it confuses me too. I'm trying to work it out.
I'm getting better with time, experience, support and love. Overall I feel the happiest, the most secure, the most comfortable in my own skin than I have in years. It's all thanks to you my friends, my family, my loves.

Thank you.

Maybe I'll start with figuring out what color I want my hair to be.

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