To clarify, let me tell you part of my story.
I was 12, and had been abused for about 2 years. There was a routine, a familiarity to my abuse. My rapist was becoming bored with me and had decided to try new things to ‘make it more exciting again.’ My rapist decided to perform oral on me and despite the fact I hated him with everything in me at the time, my body still reacted to it. I still got wet, I still orgasmed, and I still wanted more of his touch. And I hated him even more for making me feel that way.
It’s easier to disassociate, to separate yourself from the situation, if it’s all bad. But what about when they don’t let you? What about when they force you to stay trapped there and feel every single second of it? What if it’s not all bad?
In society, rape is viewed as two very different things. There’s the using rape as a form of joking, or even sexy as seen in some advertising and films. Take the Dolce & Gabbana ads a while back:
“We live in a society that wrongly construes rape as being about "sexiness" and "desire" rather than violence and control. Diana Russell writes,
"…Women have been taught that sex is bad. Guilt frequently accompanies sexual stirrings, and in many rape fantasies, by imagining physical or mental pain, a woman can punish herself for having forbidden sexual desires…It cannot be overstressed that having voluntary fantasies of being raped, and wanting to be raped in actuality, are two entirely different things." (1975, p. 267)
Let me point out that just because something ‘good’ happened doesn't suddenly excuse everything they did to you. Just because you had a pleasurable experience doesn’t mean you can’t feel dirty and shameful afterward. And just because you orgasmed, doesn’t make it any less rape.
Rape is still defined as “forced sexual intercourse, including vaginal, anal, or oral penetration. Penetration may be by a body part or an object.” Just because you body said it ‘felt good’ doesn’t mean it wasn’t forced on you.
What if I loved that person? what if I dated that person? What if I thought ‘no’ but didn’t say it? If you’re still wondering if it’s rape, take a moment and visit RAINN (Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network) ‘Was I raped?’ questions and answers page. This is the page that helped R.I.S.E. Founder Kylie finally see that she was in fact raped...
RAINN - http://www.rainn.org/get-information/types-of-sexual-assault/was-it-rape
Rape and Sexual Arousal:This is a dilemma not only faced by women, but men as well. In fact, it’s even worse for men in our society, because their arousal is shown externally. For example, a man getting an erection, or ejaculating. In the public’s eye this proves that they enjoyed it, or wanted it, and therefore, it wasn’t rape. Not only does this cause shame in the victim, but it can continue even after the abuse has stopped. Victims can develop addiction, or odd sexual habits that are typically considered outside society's norm, only deepening their shame.
Aphrodite Matsakis writes about sexual arousal or orgasm in rape:
"Before you chastise yourself for one more minute, remember that your sexual organs do not have a brain. They cannot distinguish between a mauling rapist and the gentle touch of a lover. They simply react to stimulation the way they were physically designed to respond. If you climaxed or had some other sexual response to the rape, this does not mean that you enjoyed it." (1992, p.73)
Typical issues for a victim would be things like:
• If you are a male, you may feel that the response means you are "gay."
• If you are a gay male, you may wonder if the sexual assault made you that way.
• Sexual self-injury.
• An addiction to violent and degrading pornography.
• Masturbating, perhaps compulsively, to abusive fantasies or abuse memories.
• Rape fantasies.
• Avoiding sex altogether since any pleasurable feeling triggers associations with rape.
• Punishing yourself for feeling sexual pleasure.
I want to emphasize here that ALL OF THESE ARE NORMAL. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. People who have never lived through these things don’t understand that you were abused by someone who knew what they were doing. You were coerced, forced, and seduced into what happened.
“If you were sexually assaulted as a child, you were victimized by somebody who had knowledge of how to touch and manipulate you to the ends of their own gratification, and ensuring that your shame and (false) sense of complicity rendered you less likely to tell. It is another dimension of the abuse, and not a statement of you being bad. As you heal, you will come to give the abuser back the responsibility for all of the abuse, including the responses.“
There is help out there for those wishing to deal with these issues. There are people that are suffering right there with you. Most of these issues can be treated with counseling, therapy, and support groups, by teaching you what positive and healthy sexual expectations are.
If you would like to learn more, I suggest you read this article from 2008 by Louise from Pandora's Project. It’s very good at explaining the topics I’ve listed here today.
Pandora’s Project - http://www.pandys.org/articles/arousalandassault.html
No matter how ashamed or scared you are of people not understanding, I assure you, we've all been there more than we like to admit. We are all here for you. Don't be afraid to do what you need to feel whole again. Get the help you need and talk to a professional.
-Rindi
Check out more about R.I.S.E. at any of the following:
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