Saturday, November 3, 2012

Free Form Writing - Pinned.


The mat thumps as I fall back against it, heart pounding. Perspiration slides down my neck in the hot room, but I embrace it, enjoying the work out. Every muscle feels tight, tuned like fine tuned weapon.  I jump to my feet, blocking a punch, countering with my own. Everything feels in slow motion, like we’re in the middle of performing a perfect play. We’re actually in Karate class, doing self defense combos. This is my favorite subject, something that makes me feel stronger, braver; something that makes me feel like I’m not that frightened girl.

My partner smiles as we break prepping for the next lesson. She’s warm, inviting. A bigger woman yes, but that’s expected after having three children. The whole family is here, practicing, I smile over at her husband and oldest child, encouraged by their compliments. They’re Hispanic, but the sweetest people you will ever meet.

Daddy Carlos, waves from across the room, as Carlos, his oldest looks on.  It’s a little confusing in class having two people of the same name, but for short we just call Daddy Carlos, Daddy.  We’re given a five minute break and they walk over, chatting about what they need to improve on in that last move.

I offer to practice a few rounds with Daddy Carlos, helping him get the correct amount of power needed to accomplish what needs to be. My roommate shouts, telling us it’s time to continue with lessons. It’s time to practice holds and pins. My heart speeds us, this is a hard subject for me, but I’m excited about the fact that you also learn how to get out of them. I automatically slide to the floor in position; I’m the one that gets held first.  

There’s a brief moment of talking above me between Daddy Carlos and my partner, as I let my hands fall to either side of my head, waiting to be pinned. Suddenly Little Carlos is ontop of me, pinning my wrist against the mat. I perform the escape maneuver and it ends with me shoving Little Carlos off myself a little too rough. I jump to my feet, bowing to Becky, my instructor and I turn, just short of running for the bathroom. My heart is racing and my hands are shaking so bad I almost can’t open the bathroom door.

I stumble into the bathroom, jerking the door closed and locking it. There’s nothing but a toilet, a trashcan and an open sink, sticking out from the wall. I lean against the wall half sliding half falling down it till I’m sitting on the floor, knees to my chest. My mind is racing, flashing images of being pinned, a shadow of a face above me.  I might have screamed, but I don’t remember. I feel my normal guards falling, overwhelmed by the sudden overload leaving the scared little girl inside me vulnerable free to the nightmares. I struggle to rebuild them, but it’s like trying to stop a flood, it’s impossible.

Somewhere far away in the distance I hear banging on the door, only adding to my fears as I think the Shadow Man is coming for me. Becky’s voice cuts through my sobs as she asked to be let in. I forgot I locked the door. She’s calming, soothing, and familiar. Nightmare dance around me, frighting in the big empty bathroom. She calmly orders me to let her in. I open my eyes, tears still running and I realize I've somehow managed to squeeze under the sink, as though the small space will protect me. I slide out and reach for the door handle, unlocking it with a quick flick, before immediately sliding back under the sink.

Becky slowly enters the room, followed by my lady partner, who looks shocked to see me so obviously shooked up. Becky slowly slides to her knees in front of me, reaching out to touch me. I feel her fingertips on my knees and I jerk away, screaming at her to don’t touch me. I rock back and forth under the sink, trying to comfort myself and failing. I sound like a primitive animal caught in a bear trap. Seeing her, but not really seeing her.

I cry harder scaring myself, my eyes squeezing close as I pray they all go away. Becky talks softly to me, soothingly, bringing up inside jokes to laugh at. I focus on her voice, struggling to remember the joke and situation that went with it. It helps. Slowly I begin to remember who I am. I’m not the 12 year old hiding in her room, but the 17 year old in class. I’m not being raped, I’m being taught. I’m not alone, Becky’s here. I slowly open my eyes, latching around her hand, trying to find warmth because I feel suddenly cold. Becky gently pulls me out from under the sink. I feel scared to be so open, so vulnerable while I’m still out of it, so I latch to her, letting her protect me as my nightmares fade.

My partner walks over and rubs my back gently, saying she’s sorry, for whatever just happened for the last 20 minutes she’s sorry. I nod, taking deep, calming breathes as inside I’m stopping the flood over memories. I was my face, and get myself together before exiting the bathroom. I’m shaky and still super jumpy, but I’m myself again.

Class is over and almost everyone has left except for the Carlos’s, Becky and I. I smile weakly at them, almost apologetically. Little Carlos comes over and apologizes to me and I shake my head saying it wasn’t his fault. I embarrassingly tell them that I was raped when I was younger and I just had a flashback. It sounds so much milder than it really felt. The either family’s face showed their shock and I look away embarrassed. I tell Becky to fill them in as I gather my things and change.

I walk away as she explains what just happened. In the side room I take a moment to punch the wall, angry at myself for losing it tonight. Angry that I was affected that bad. Angry that I was still affected after all this time and no somebody else had found out my secret. I slide my shoes on, tying them slowly.  I hated when people learned of what happened in class. They looked at you different, they were careful, scared to set you off again. I didn’t want that. I wanted to be just like them, normal, unafraid. I wanted to be treated just as they did before, not like a glass doll.  From now on the ease going friendship I had with the Carlos’s would be changed. Little Carlos would be afraid of scaring me again, so he would pass on being my partner anymore. Daddy Carlos would hold me gentler, making it to easy to slip from his grasp, not the way a real attacker would. And my partner would never see me the same, she would never against punch me as hard, or wonder like the rest of class why I had to sit out a moment while they practiced.

I stood up and grabbed my purse, heading back to my waiting classmates. It didn’t matter now, what’s done is done. I needed to focus on getting myself together tonight. I needed to focus on not screaming when the next person touched my back by surprise. I needed to focus on walking out to my car in the dark and not jumping at the shadows in my head. That’s what mattered now, that’s what mattered tonight.

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