Saturday, November 3, 2012

Free Form Writing - The Cost of a Million Dollar Smile


Tonight I wanna talk about a girl, a small girl about ten years old. A girl who was relatively normal in all aspects.

She enjoyed playing Barbie's, having her fairy tale Prince Ken save the Barbie from the evil Wizard Something or Another. She enjoyed playing tag with her friend and sing along with the radio, the louder the better she sounded. She enjoyed dancing with her Daddy in the kitchen and helping her grandma bake the occasional batch of cookies. She liked to draw, though she wasn't very good at it, the fridge overflowed with pictures of flowers, dogs, and stick figures. She liked to pretend she actually knew what Bill Nye the Science guy was talking about on TV, and then repeat it all to her mother.

Overall a normal 10 year old.

She was getting to ready to enter Middle School for the first time when all that changed. She suddenly hated Barbie's, though she kept them anyways for a long while. When someone tagged her it made her scream in panic and she no longer had a voice to sing with, it was closed up tight trying not to cry. She could no longer hold hands with her Daddy to dance and why bake cookies if they held no flavor? She still drew pictures, but sad pictures now. Things like broken teddy bears and shadow men instead of stick figures. She no longer watch TV at all and she never talked to her mother anymore.

The little girl simply faded, faded away in every sense of the word. If she was invisible she was safe. If she didn't feel anything then he couldn't find her. She was a ghost in her own head.

What had happened to the little girl?

A sad, sad thing.

A terrible thing.

She had to grow up to fast in to short of a time period. And she didn't know how to deal with it.

A guy came and destroyed the little girl. Built her up and broke her down; left her crying on the ground and laughed in her face. Why? Why not. She was happy and he was sad. He wanted to make her as sad and hurt as he felt inside and she was an easy target. The more pain he caused her the more pleasure he gained. He vented all his anger out on her, all his sadness, all the pain he felt and she took it all.

On her tiny shoulder of only ten she took it and soaked it into her skin unable to contain it all in just her hands. She never had a choice. You name it he did it.

Menatlly.

Emotionally.

Physically.

Sexually.

You name it, he did it and he laughed at her.

And she suffered.

Suffered so much she lost herself.

Lost herself inside her head trying too hard to stay alive.

For two years she disappeared.

Disappeared into nothingness.

Slowly she stumbled upon a part of herself. A song she used to sing long ago. She barely remembered the words, but slowly she rebuilt herself around it until she could once again return into the world. She was fragile and very empty, but she was steadily rebuilding herself.

After a while she had used up her roll of tape and she ventured back out into society. But all was no won yet.

He came by to see her often.

Sometimes she could hide and he wouldn't find her, sometimes she couldn't.

For years he visited her and she would retreat inside herself, inside where it was safe. Eventually she found words to tell someone something was wrong, very wrong and had been for a very long time. They took her hand and promised to help her if they could. Suddenly her shoulders seemed lighter.

But they lied. They never helped her. They thought they were, but in all reality they were only making it worse. For a long time she still could not sing, but slowly she began to grow. Her ten year old shoulder had grown bigger, wider, stronger. It was becoming easier to carry around with her all she had to bear.

She found more songs she'd lost and her pictures occasionally added a flower now and then, maybe a heart if she was having a good day. She threw away her Barbie's, knowing that there was no such thing as a fairy tale prince. She occasionally plays tag once in a while and no longer screams. Her voice is coming back slowly out of years of not being used. She's relearning how to dance and she can make the best cookies her grandma ever tasted. She actually understand what Bill Nye was talking about now, and explains the more complicated experiments to her mother.

She still cries ever now and then and once in a while her hands shake, but if you can ignore that you'd see the most beautiful smile in the entire world. Her smile is broken, but not lost and never will be again. The boy that hurt he is still out there, but she now has something she didn't have at 10. She has friends, friends who would stand up for her if she couldn't.

If you see her you'll know, for in her eyes lies all the sadness of the world, but hidden behind a million dollar smile.

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