Before I start, allow me to preface something. Before I met Rindi, I had little to no knowledge of sexual abuse. There was no history of it in my family nor friends. I never took part in any psycology classes and participated in counceling twice in my entire life. Stepping into her world could be compared to a little boy being asked to do brain surgery. Its interesting what you can learn about yourself by being immersed in something like this.
When I was told of her troubled past, my initial thought was that there had to be a simple set of words or actions to make things right again. Perhaps it was arrogance, ignorance, or even both, but my inner compulsion to fix things kicked into high gear. Despite all of these new things coming to light and my belief that things could be made better, I could think of nothing to say. I simply held her and continued to listen to her speak. The more she spoke, the more I continued to get angry and feel that much more helpless. This was not my element. This was not something I could correct with a comparison of a simmilar situation that happened to me. I had nothing.
These conversations continued for a while. Each time that I learned more. After enough time, she began to grow concern that her information would lead to me running or requesting to not hear any more. I told her that there was no chance I would ever think of doing anything like that. This answer seemed to come out of me so easily. I love her. There is no other option. Every answer I had for her came so quickly, I began to think I had done this before. (Or at least in a previous life.)
When I observed her first flashback, I was horrified. It was as if I was watching her leave the room without moving. I was afraid to speak or touch her, assuming it would only make matters worse. I watched her fall into her own mind for nearly thirty minutes. I stayed at her side until she retreated to a bathroom where her friends (with more experience) came to her aid. Afterwards, I returned to her side and held her in silence. It was then that I realized that I trully loved her. I spent so much of my life hiding, denying, or running from things I could not control or fix. Here I was, so far in over my head and yet I remained.
It doesn't take patience to be with a woman who has endured so much pain. It doesnt take an understanding of that world. It takes love. I hate to sound like a Disney movie, but love seems to be a larger factor in her healing process than I thought. I can't say that others must find a person to love them to heal, but I knew what she needed specifically.
Sorry for the random blurt of words, just thought I would share some insight into a newcomers brain.
Anthony HankinsHe couldn't be more right. It's scary and overwhelming to anyone trying to help that has never experience such a past. But there are people out there that are willing to learn, willing to keep trying if they fail. As hard as it can be to come forward and tell your significant other of your past it has to be done. How else will they ever learn, ever be able to provide for what you need, ever be able to help you heal? Having someone validate your pain and care I believe are some of the most important gifts you can receive in your healing process. It literally challenges everything your abuse has taught you. I encourage everyone who can to speak up as soon as they feel they are ready, just to be able to experience these chances.
I'd also like to point out that if your partner isn't ready to deal with this, or prefers to push your pain to the background don't settle. You are not damaged goods. You are not broken beyond repair. In the same token we cannot complete depend on our partners for validation of our own self worth. Not only will we exhaust them, but we will continue to need constant reassurance. At some point we have to rebuild and reform our own self worth, and let them be someone we can lean on, but our self worth should not complete be crushed without them. This is one of the hardest things as survivors we have to learn and balance, but if you do, you can finally live again.
You can also find R.I.S.E. at the sites below:
Website: avoiceforheather.tripod.com
Myspace: myspace.com/avoiceforheather
Facebook:www.facebook.com/avoiceforheather
Twitter: www.twitter.com/VoiceforHeather
Email: VoiceforHeather@yahoo.com
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