Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Montana Teacher Rape Case

In a widely covered news story, a Montana teacher, Stacey Rambold, was sentenced and released from prison after serving only 30 days in jail. He will still have to register as a sex offender and is considered to be on probation until 2028, but his sentence has been heavily criticized by the people.

Rambold was convicted of raping Cherice Moralez, a 14-year-old girl and one of his students, in 2007. When his case went to trail Moralez took her own lifein 2010 before Rambold went to trial.
In an interview with the Associated Press Moralez's mother, Auliea Hanlon, said that man has managed to avoid what she considers to be justice.“I figured he'd be fired, go to jail, and she would be vindicated, and that would be the end of it,” Hanlon said. “Instead, here it is six years later, still going on, and he's getting out.... He's still skating.” 
“I considered going down to the jail to forgive him, but I don't know,” she said. “I'm still waiting for a sign from God.” Tears streamed down Auliea Hanlon's face as she described the emotions that have at times overwhelmed her since a church counselor her daughter confided in first told Hanlon about the rape. 
Hanlon has said Rambold's actions were a "major factor" in her daughter's suicide. Moralez felt guilty for ruining Rambold's life, and was ostracized and ridiculed by her peers after details in the case became public, Hanlon said. Hanlon said her focus remains on Rambold and the appeal of his sentence, which prosecutors said could take six to 18 months to work its way through the Montana Supreme Court.
So what was the reasoning for the judge’s decision on the light sentence? Judge G. Todd Baugh said that the girl was “older than her chronological age” and “as much in control of the situation as was the defendant.” This of course caused a huge backlash with the general populace. Women’s advocates including the state chapter of National Organization for Women filed a complaint against Baugh and delivered petitions with 144,000 signatures along with the complaint to the state Judicial Standards Commission. The complaint asks that Baugh be removed from the bench “for his misconduct related to his handling of and speech about the rape case involving the sentencing of Stacey Rambold.”

Baugh did release and official apology saying: “I made some really stupid remarks. It didn't come out right and I owe the whole county, but maybe even the whole country, especially women, an apology.” But it seems to be too little, too late with the people.
Rambold acknowledged his actions in a 2010 deferred prosecution agreement made after Moralez killed herself. The agreement allowed Rambold to remain free for more than three years until he was kicked out of a sex offender treatment program for unauthorized visits with relatives' children.  He was returned to court and sentenced as part of a new arrangement in August. 
According to the current agreement in the case, Rambold must register as a level one sex offender, which means he must make his residence open to officers for home visits. He is barred from working with children. 
State officials are also asking Montana's higher courts to send Rambold back to prison for a longer term. Prosecutors said Baugh's lenient sentence was not allowed under a state law that requires Rambold to serve a mandatory minimum of two years in prison. 
In court documents and during the sentencing hearing, Lansing described his client as a one-time offender with no prior record who took responsibility for his actions when he admitted to a single count of rape under a 2010 deferred prosecution agreement that was made after Moralez killed herself. The agreement with prosecutors allowed Rambold to remain free for more than three years until he was kicked out of his sex offender treatment and for not disclosing that he was in a sexual relationship with a Washington woman.
I hope this case continues to shine light on the easy slap on the wrist sentences that rapists and abusers like this continue to receive. Everyone, including the media, keeps forgetting that this girl has died. She committed the ultimate and final act. The pain and torture she felt was too much and she took her own life because of victim blaming. This has to end; we have to start showing more love and less hate to those that have been tortured by men like this.
This is where you can make a difference. Reach out a hand to those who feel alone. Reach out to those that are afraid to come forward for this very reason. Show them how to RISE.
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Wednesday, August 28, 2013

"A Parent's Guide to Helping a Daughter Who Has Been Raped."

Over the last few weeks I've been approached by several close family friends who have told me their child has suffered from some sort of sexual abuse. As a survivor, seeing their agony and pain for their child is heartbreaking and touching in more ways than I imagined. It has been helping me heal knowing they want to do something to help their child, but often when they ask me “what can I do” questions, I struggle to find the answers to give them. I’m so used to being the one raped and recovering that I hadn't thought much on what the family goes through.

In my search for answers I found this really great booklet by Matthew Atkinson. He’s a licensed clinical therapist and broke the questions most parents have into an 18 page booklet called A Parent’s Guide to helping a Daughter who has beenraped. After sitting through and reading it I could not find a better, more thorough answer to my questions.

My favorite part of the whole booklet though was his defining of rape. I felt that if I looked at it from that perspective, my mind was much more open to understanding than being defensive.
First--and I cannot emphasize this enough--rape is not about forcing someone to have sex. It is not sexual at all, in fact. This may sound like a startling and bizarre thing to say, so hear me out.  Although rape usually happens when a woman’s body is hurt in what we consider a “sexual” way, rapists themselves tell us that their actions weren’t about being aroused, attracted, turned on, or “horny beyond control.” Rather, it is a crime of violence in which the goal is to take power, not sex, from the person. Sex is the method used to take power and control; not the goal of the control.   
Think of it this way: when someone mugs a person at gunpoint, the goal of the crime is to take something valuable from the victim, usually money. It is not about fulfilling a mugger’s desire to point and use a gun. The gun (and the threat) is the method used to take something else from the victim, and rapists use sex as their weapon, not as the thing they want to get.
I tried this quote on a few of my friends and you could just see the light bulbs go off in their heads. He does bring up the fact that this happens to men too, but his booklet mostly focuses on a woman’s perspective. There is a name for the families of rape victim though that applies to both.
However, rape does not only affect the woman (or man), but also her family, friends, and other loved ones. Because of this, people in relationships with rape survivors are called secondary survivors; we are not the ones who were attacked, yet we are still hurt and affected. Secondary survivors sometimes need help dealing with the trauma too, and our role as the victim’s helpers makes it important that we prepare ourselves with education and counseling whenever needed.
The booklet goes on to discuss common myths and inaccurate ideas about rape. He addresses what is true and correct and how you can help him or her.
• The victim is not responsible--even slightly--for what a rapist has chosen to do. Even if we disagree with some of her decisions during the incident, some of her responses are instincts (not choices), and even when she does choose some of her actions, no choices make rape deserved, natural, or even likely. Only a rapist’s choice to attack makes a rape happen.
• All humans--men and women--have three instincts when we feel out life is threatened: Fight, flight, or freeze. None of these choices is “better” than the other, so we should resist judging a victim who did something other than “what I would have done in that situation...”Nearly all rape survivors will blame themselves or feel guilty after the rape. This is an unhealthy but natural way for her to psychologically protect herself by trying to figure out what she “did wrong,” so she’ll be able to “fix it” and keep it from happening again. It is important that you not go along with it, and even disagree and insist that none of it was her fault.

You can help by:
• Knowing the myths, and not falling for them
• Understanding what she is going through and why she blames herself
• Listening without asking prying questions, but also reminding her that she is not to blame
• Allowing her to make decisions to regain control (except the decision to blame herself; you will gently but solidly teach her that she is not at fault) 

Then he brings up actual questions the victim will wonder like:
 “Will I need medical care?”
 “Should I tell my family?”
“Should I report this to police?”
 “Could it happen again?”
“Will I become pregnant? “
“What if I get a disease like AIDS?”
 “Will others reject me now?”
 “Am I ruined for the rest of my life?”
 “Will I be an embarrassment to the people I love?”
 “Can my life be normal again?”

It also provides the reader with what both the mother and father will feel, and how it affects your child’s emotional and mental state.
Going after the guy can scare your daughter by making her wonder if the attacker will come after her for revenge because she told someone what he’d done, had him beaten up, etc. Retaliation by the rapist is possible in some instances. And it shows her that yet one more person she thought she could trust becomes violent as a way of handling angry emotions. She’s just had to deal with one person like that; the last thing she wants to see is yet another person in her life using violence to achieve what a goal. That can make her feel guilty, as if she’s imposed an emotional burden on you. She may see the fierce anger of your reaction and wish she hadn't stressed you out with one more thing for you to have to deal with. She may even try to take the role of being your comforter, counseling and soothing you when in fact she is the one in need.
It also discusses in detail what course of action a parent should take to deal with these new feelings. Questions every parent faces like; what kind of actions will help her most, and what to do when the response the victim gives you isn't what you were expecting to hear. But most importantly, why does that make him or her feel that way? 
• Your daughter will be confused after the assault, so it is important that you discuss the need
for medical care. But it is entirely her choice whether to undergo an evidence-collecting
examination.
• Men often have an instinct to seek revenge, but this is a poor option that can further
traumatize the victim, rather than helping her.
• You are more helpful by listening than by asking questions. Allow her to choose what to say, and when, but without prying or rushing her to open up.
• When your daughter blames herself--and she will--it is important that you disagree and
assure her repeatedly that she is not to blame for the rape, no matter what bad decisions she might have made before or after the attack.
• Family members try to be helpful in many ways that aren't always helpful. They should not invade her privacy, pretend it didn't happen, use jokes to cope, make threats, or express their anger to (or at) her.

It brings up important issues that parents push:
Don’t feel shut out or hurt if she isn't immediately open to you about the rape. It’s not a sign that she doesn't trust you or has lost her love for you, it is a sign that she might not trust herself just yet. She will need a long time to grow strong again before she can discuss it with anyone, even you. Then again, some daughters are immediately open. But don’t disrespect her privacy by prying, inquiring, or pressing her to be open, even if you believe “it’s so we can deal with it and move on.”

To me though, one of the most powerful parts of this booklet is his discussion of the different stages of recovery and how they look like the victim is getting worse, when she’s actually getting better.
But be aware that a relapse into negative behaviors is common and likely. And here’s something confusing you should know: her chances of “relapse” into her old problem behaviors are greatest when things seem to have been “going well” for a while. Don’t give up on counseling just because she relapses into depression, self-harm, moodiness, or even substance abuse. If anything, make sure counseling is consistent.
The third stage is marked by the return of the distress responses she experienced earlier (depression, anxiety, fear, insomnia, nightmares, drug use, tension headaches, etc.). To her, this can seem like a failure to cope or a complete collapse of her strength, and that will frighten her and perhaps aggravate you. You may wonder, “what happened? She was doing so well!” She’ll probably wonder the same thing, and then feel depressed as she sees her second-stage strength appear to crumble: “I’m a failure! I’m slipping right back down again!” Some survivors even have suicidal thoughts at this regression stage (because they think they’re failing themselves and everyone else, or they start to believe that these painful feelings will apparently never go away). This is where family relationships undergo the most stress because husbands, parents, and others hadn't planned on “getting more of the same.” Arguments are common, and her criticisms of you and herself become very sharp.
And as every victim and survivor knows, the most healing thing you can do as a parent is:
Tell her you love her. Tell her you love her. Tell her again that you love her. Got that yet? Tell her you love her.
He concludes with ways you can help, such as counseling through volunteering at rape crisis centers and work to help make stronger rape laws, and just making people more aware around you.
There is no easy way to coast through the recovery process, but counseling can help. It can teach her to recognize the steps of her recovery so she isn't so frightened when they happen, and it can teach you how to help her cope. Rape crisis centers usually offer free counseling to survivors at any point, no matter how long after the rape has occurred. I suggest using these counseling opportunities because the counselors will be specially trained and familiar with RTS. (Rape Trauma Syndrome)
All in all I think this booklet was the best and most thorough source of information you could give any parent. Though I understand it's hard for a parent to bite down their emotions and pride to hear these steps out and implement them, overall the benefit for the victim and for your relationship with her afterwards will be worth it.

For more info: http://www.resurrectionafterrape.org/media/Rape%20-parents%20guide.pdf


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Saturday, June 29, 2013

Petition: "The Canadian Justice Department: Increase prison sentences for sexual assault and child molestation"


There's a new petition on Change.Org called "The Canadian Justice Department: Increase Prison Sentences for Sexual Assault and Child Molestation." The petition cites these law articles for reference:
271. Everyone who commits a sexual assault is guilty of
(a) an indictable offence and is liable to imprisonment for a term not exceeding 10 years and, if the complainant is under the age of 16 years, to a minimum punishment of imprisonment for a term of one year; or
(b) an offence punishable on summary conviction and is liable to imprisonment for a term not exceeding 18 months and, if the complainant is under the age of 16 years, to a minimum punishment of imprisonment for a term of 90 days.
R.S., 1985, c. C-46, s. 271; R.S., 1985, c. 19 (3rd Supp.), s. 10; 1994, c. 44, s. 19; 2012, c. 1, s. 25.

I don't know about you, but that doesn't sound like nearly a long enough punishment for changing my whole life forever. However this year Canada is facing the possibility of serious changes to their system. However they still face serious opposition due to overcrowding of jails and the cost of it all. Speak up and demand to be taken seriously, if not for any other reason than to stop the suffering for the victims. 

This article list Canada's current laws on child abuse: http://www.haltnow.ca/abuse/child-abuse/191-child-abuse-and-the-law.html

And this article discusses what they are hoping to change this year: http://www.cbc.ca/news/yourcommunity/2013/02/is-canada-too-soft-on-child-sexual-abuse.html

 To sign the petition go here: http://www.change.org/petitions/the-canadian-justice-department-increase-prison-sentences-for-sexual-assault-and-child-molestation

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The Good Men Project, Nathan's Story, and Surviving the Fourth Cycle

Today I'm sharing an article I stumbled upon from The Good Men Project. If you're like me and have never heard of them this is an excerpt from their About section on their website.
"The Good Men Project was founded by Tom Matlack in 2009 as an anthology and documentary film featuring men’s stories about the defining moments in their lives. The original, modest goal, was to tell stories about men that “changed the writer and changed the reader.” In the process, it became apparent that this book was fostering a much-needed cultural conversation about manhood. Since that time, The Good Men Project has grown into a diverse, multi-faceted media company and an idea-based social platform." 
I think this idea is totally brilliant and of course the first story I stumble upon on their site was this one. "What My Sister Did: Surviving Incest" by Nathan C. Daniels. On the site Nathan shares his painful story and you can definitely feel his uncomfortableness, but very real, very raw pain he has suffered. 
"They say that time heals all wounds… that’s bullshit! In this situation, time is not on your side and, if left to its own devices, it will form an alliance with your problems… not you."
Nathan has also written his own book called "Surviving the Fourth Cycle" his true story about overcoming suicide and mental illness.
"Surviving the Fourth Cycle swings pendulously back and forth between two stories that ultimately bleed into one. 
You will experience the author's most recent battle with mental illness through raw and honest journal entries that give you a rare "fly on the wall" perspective from a truly haunted mind. At the same time, Nathan rips his closet door off its hinges and lets all the skeletons come rattling out through a series of writings that are, in essence, the chapters of his life. You are in for a bumpy ride as he picks through the bones in these extremely personal essays that examine the intense relationships and experiences that have led to both his struggle to function in society, and his ability to persevere."

In Nathan's article he shared several steps that helped him recover that he hopes will help others. I'll spare quoting his whole article right here, but if your suffering and want to see what a true survivor, a male survivor, found helpful in his own recovery I strongly suggest checking this out.


Thank you Nathan for coming forward in a harsh society against male rape and speaking out. You are braver than you know and as a survivor I thank you.
To read more about Nathan's book go here: http://www.survivingthefourthcycle.com
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A Letter to a Molester.

This is from http://www.therealsupermumblog.com/2013/05/letter-molester/ but it was so touching I just had to share it here.

A Letter To My Molester
“Just this once,” you used to say, but that was just a lie.
You stole my innocence and made your little brother cry.
Not just when you touched my skin, throughout my whole existence.
Nightmares! Flashbacks! Memories, pursued with great persistence.
You would bring me to the basement, in the quiet of the night.
I know you were a victim too. That doesn’t make it right.
It was wrong, our uncle touched you once, outside by grandma’s shed.
He shared a sickness with you, sis, and then you helped it spread!
It wasn’t good enough to touch… you made me touch you back!
You forced my face between your legs, while writhing on your back.
Once was traumatizing, but this would last throughout a year!
You filled a dwindling childhood with painful, shameful fear!
I’d go to school on Mondays with my wounded pubic bone.
Surrounded by a hundred kids… you made me feel alone!
A six-year old, should never feel the things you had me feeling.
It wasn’t just that year, you took —Decades you were stealing!
I did try to forget it all… once that nightmare passed.
I’m glad I didn’t know back then, how long the pain would last.
You fucked my life up really bad —Without so much as trying.
I’ve cut myself! I’ve gone insane —Envisioned myself dying!
From fear, to shame, to hatred, that I carried for too long,
To numbness, and insanity… before I could be strong!
For thirty years, I’ve struggled with insatiable confusion,
To finally, after all this time, achieve some restitution.
Now, that I’m no longer numb, and I have found relief…
Now, that I’ve survived abuse, and loss, and death, and grief…
I’m finally letting go of all the hate and shame you made!
I’ve learned to reach out for a pen, a lot more than a blade.
I will never say I love you… and I cannot wish you well,
But, I released my hatred too, and now I’m free from Hell!
You molested me, big sister, and now I’m writing so you know…
My wounds have finally healed inside, but getting here was slow.
One more thing I want to share —It’s important, that you see…
The sickness that you tried to spread… I let it end with me!

To the 'The Real Supermom' that wrote this, you are awesome.
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Monday, April 22, 2013

Update - Twitter Hashtag Announcement and TeamStrick Online Awareness Day

Just a quick update and small change to our #hashtag posted here. 

#RISEandShine (Mondays) are now #MusicMondays. RISEandShine will continue, but not on a specific day anymore. So the new schedule is as follows:

#MusicMondays. 
#InnerChildTuesday
#SurvivorWednesday
#TherapyThursday
#FreedomFriday
#SharingSaturday
#HealingSunday

 Also April 20th was the online campaign with TeamStrick & a bunch of other groups to spread awareness. We had some really great entries. #RISEawareness

Our friends at RAINN - (Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network)


Kylie - Founder of R.I.S.E.




"I love the idea of the phoenix "rising" from the ashes. And underneath, to be true to it's Greek Mythology, is "RISE" in Greek." -Shona (Official Member) 


My graphic for a shirt. Rape affects both men and women, why not involve them both.



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Friday, April 12, 2013

Canadian Rape Bullying and Awareness Day

"A female in Canada who was raped and humiliated killed herself last week because she couldn't handle it anymore. She was bullied, insulted, and struggled alone thinking she was making it up and she was in the wrong because everyone in her school turned against her -- even her own friends. I am truly devastated to hear this and sickened that she was pushed to that limit and no one was there to be her foundation, to act as the Secondary she desperately needed. Raise your voices, my fellow RISE members! Let this atrocity not go unheard! Regardless of whether you believe a person was actually assaulted or not, don't discount their story. NEVER tell them it wasn't real. NEVER tell them it was their fault. This just... I have no words. For a Survivor who has been to the depths of that darkness and feared there was no way out yet managed to find freedom, I feel so deeply for the Family that lost this beautiful young woman to something so horrible.
NEVER GIVE UP! No matter who turns on you, no matter how alone you get -- YOU. AREN'T. ALONE. WE, those who have RISEN from the darkness, who have become SURVIVORS can and SHALL BE your foundation when no one else will! I'm in tears right now typing this because I am so grateful for the people that were in my life when I came home after leaving my abuser. So grateful for those who willingly stepped up to the plate not knowing what they were getting into and not giving a shit because it was the RIGHT THING TO DO, not because it was the easy one.
So, Rehtaeh Parsons, I pray that you find the peace you did not find on Earth within the boundless expanse of the Summerlands. And may the knowledge that you are eased of your suffering bring some measure of relief to your Family -- even if the loss of you is too great a thing to put into words.
Before I end this, I have a request. On the 20th, for Awareness day, since this case made national headlines for so damn long, let's get together and come up with some way to be the voice this poor girl never had. Even if it's too late to help her heal through it, it's never too late to show others that we're ALWAYS listening."
-Bailey (Official RISE Member)
"It really is heartbreaking that we've lost another rape victim to suicide. What's it gonna take for people to see that victim blaming kills?!?"
-Kylie (RISE Founder)
R.I.P. Rehtaeh Parsons. 
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