Guilt & Shame, Victim & Survivor

I’m back! My laptop has been in the shop for about a month now, but it’s fixed and ready for new blogs. I decided to ease back into it by discussing the idea of Shame vs. Guilt and Victim vs. a Survivor.

Many times as victims, we are unable to distinguish these ideas, making our recovery process more than just confusing. A counselor of mine broke it down into two terms.

Guilt leaves room for making amends, and you often are the one to put it upon yourself. We often take responsibility for what happened to us and place guilt on our 'mistakes,' even if we truly weren't the ones that caused the issue to start with. This is completely unrealistic of us. Often we do this because we think blaming someone, even if it’s ourselves, will give us some sense of peace. We might not believe we can ‘rightly’ blame the perpetrator, or we think they will deny it, so we place the guilt upon ourselves in stead of where it should be.

Shame is put upon you by others, and is often considered the reaction of a perceived audience. We feel shame in how we think others will view us if they know the truth. We feel like we will be rejected, or disowned, when that’s usually not the case. Rape has become a very open part of our culture to discuss. You’d be surprised to find how many of your friends and neighbors have already heard of someone else’s story, or have their own story buried in the past. We should not feel shame for what was done to us without our consent.

Of course changing these mindsets, releasing your shame and guilt, is what makes you no longer a victim, but a survivor.

A victim is defined as “a person that suffers harm or death,” and a survivor “is a person that survives in spite of adversity.” Kylie said it best when she said “A victim lets their life be defined and darkened by what happened to them, and a survivor lets what has happened strengthen them and drive them on to help others. Don't be a victim. Be a survivor.”

Once, when I was struggling to understand this difference myself, I came across these words in a Shelter from the Storm activity book: “The ultimate goal of the victim is that they must let go of responsibility for the abuse, and acknowledge that responsibility for the abuse belongs to the person who committed the abuse."

See why understanding what guilt and shame do to you are so important?

I know all of this is so much easier said than done, and honestly sometimes this will take years for you to truly grasp and understand, but sometimes it's good to just know that there is a goal for you in recovery. You now have something to aim for, something to help pull you out of that depression you become stuck in, and truly begin to recover your soul.

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