In a survivors lifetime they will hear over and over again these three words, “confront your attacker. “ They make it sound so easy, like all damage and pain you feel in your heat will be instantly cure once you face them. Though many survivors swear by confronting their attackers, others however, find it a huge setback in their healing process. It’s important to remember everyone and every story is different. You have to face all the possible outcomes, good and bad.
Before you make that step in facing your attackers consider this:
Reasons people confront:
1) Validation of memories
2) Make those you confront feel the impact of what was done to you
3) See your abuser suffer
4) Revenge seeking
5) To seek payment for therapy
6) To try to establish a real relationship
Questions to ask yourself before you decide:
1) Whom do I want to talk to and why?
2) What do I hope to gain? Is this realistic?
3) Am I willing to lose contact with those who also know the person?
4) Am I stable enough to stand being challenged?
My mother once asked me why I never thought about confronting my rapist. I thought seriously about this question for a long time before responding. I look at it simply as this. Right now if I was to see him face to face and hear his voice utter that first denial, I would break. I would fall screaming and crying to the floor. When I am strong enough to look at him and face his lies well then there really wouldn’t be a need for me to confront him anymore, would there?
For some actually confronting the attacker is impossible. Maybe your attacker died, or moved away, or maybe they developed an illness like Alzheimer’s and don’t remember. Maybe, it’s just too hard to face them still. Don’t lose heart, there are still actions you can take. For example, you can try doing mock confrontations to help. It is a common therapy technique to have you writing a letter to your attacker, or perform the ‘empty chair method,’ where you image your attacker sitting across from you in a chair and you tell him what you are feeling, or whatever you feel the need to say. Any of these ‘confrontations’ can still help you get some measure, or closure and healing.
I reached out to some of our members asked what their thoughts were on confronting their attackers, this is what they said.
Bailey - I think it would depend on how far along in the healing process you are. Personally I don't think confronting him (my attacker) by myself would help any, because I know he would just discount anything I ever said, tell me I'm lying and it would set me back in healing way too far to make it worth the effort. When I confronted him before and went to leave I just started crying and if my aunt hadn't been with me and told him I was leaving him FOR me, I wouldn't have been able to do it.
Kandace - I don't think it would help. about 98% of the time, attackers won't see that what they did was wrong. i know a lot of men still think that women are theirs for the taking and blah blah, or if they feel even a little guilt they will lie and say it never happened or that you "wanted" it or say "oh you know you liked it."
Jessica - I think it depends on where you are in the recovery process, and what your goal is in confrontation. I think you need to set expectations for yourself, ie: how you will respond emotionally if your perpetrator denies it, or how you'll respond if they accept what you're saying and apologize. I think you need to have a very strong support system in place, people who know what you're doing and how they can love you after the meeting.
Some people confront their attacker because they think it's the "right" thing to do in recovery, that it's their next step to becoming whole again. But I disagree. Confronting should only be done when someone is absolutely certain they're ready for the consequences of such a meeting, whatever the results may be. It may take some people months to get there, others years, still others decades, and for some they'll find value in never confronting. It's a very, very personalized and individual decision, based on the circumstances of the attack and the purpose of the confrontation. It can be very healing, but only if done properly.
Beth - I'll expound on what Jessica said. Confrronting is not defined as solely with a perpetrator. Confrontation can be a complete success even if it is never heard or read by the perp. In cases where the abuser/perpetrator/attacker IS a stranger, saying that confronting is necessary for healing sets that individual up for many disappointments. My own response is pretty much an echo of what Jess said. Confronting is very personal and takes a great deal of recovery experience. I also believe that confronting should never be done alone. This sets a victim up for further potential victimization. I think an individual who is in the process of confronting should be seeking guidance, either from a counselor or a very trusted individual. We all need love and support and it is especially vital in this kind of situation/decision. Also, I guess that I want to add that confrontation for me has been both. Hurtful and helpful. The two occasions were very different. I was not ready for the first and was definitely wounded by the negative reaction. The next time was more about acceptance. I could accept that my perp would never admit or acknowledge what he did, and for now I am okay with that. I was able to find peace and security knowing that I had learned how to stand up for myself.
Michelle - I double mock what Jessica and Beth have said. Simulated confrontation has played a HUGE part in my recovery process seeing how my abusers are deceased and or strangers. But you HAVE to remember that your recovery CAN NOT depend on the actions and words on a confrontation from an abuser. A strong support system as well as a counselor in place to talk before, during and after the act of confrontation, I think, is a must.
Kylie (R.I.S.E. – Founder) - With me of course the situation was pretty unique - I knew my attacker, and after the attack I had gone into shock for a couple years. I even stayed in contact with him for a while, possibly leading him to believe that he hadn't done anything wrong. When I fully realized what he had done to me, I finally stopped talking to him. Then I went through the flashbacks and the torture of the first steps in the healing process. After about a year of this, I would have good days and bad days. I never knew when a bad day would hit, but when it did, I would usually wake up crying, mad at myself and at him and also at those people who didn't believe me when I told them what happened. I got into the habit of feeling sorry for myself all day, and that was no way to live. So, one morning [a month or 2 ago now] I woke up and felt a bad day coming on, but this time, it was different. I was sick of feeling like a victim. So, I got on facebook, found my rapist, and sent him a short email saying that he had in fact raped me and that I wasn't okay with it; then I blocked him, that way he can't write back. People are different, but I feel so much better. I haven't had a bad day since.
There’s never a perfect answer to confronting your attacker. It’s depends too much on how you as an individual will handle it emotionally then to be summed up into a simple solution. But the bottom line is you do what you think you need to do to heal. If you feel like they need to know what they did to you emotionally and you feel ready, then tell them, if not, there’s no shame in saying you aren’t ready. As our founder Kylie once said, “I can't tell you what to do, as I am not a professional, and I don't know your situation. Every situation is different, and it just depends on certain things. All I can say for you is just follow your instincts. If you think it will help you, and if he has no way of hurting you again, then it might be a good thing for you too. But don't do or say anything that could endanger you again. Good luck, and keep rising.”
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