Over the last
few weeks I've been approached by several close family friends who have told me
their child has suffered from some sort of sexual abuse. As a survivor, seeing
their agony and pain for their child is heartbreaking and touching in more ways
than I imagined. It has been helping me heal knowing they want to do something
to help their child, but often when they ask me “what can I do” questions, I
struggle to find the answers to give them. I’m so used to being the one raped
and recovering that I hadn't thought much on what the family goes through.
In my search
for answers I found this really great booklet by Matthew Atkinson. He’s a
licensed clinical therapist and broke the questions most parents have into an
18 page booklet called A Parent’s Guide to helping a Daughter who has beenraped. After sitting through and reading it I could not find a better, more
thorough answer to my questions.
My favorite
part of the whole booklet though was his defining of rape. I felt that if I looked at it from that perspective, my mind was much more open to understanding
than being defensive.
First--and I cannot emphasize this enough--rape is not about forcing someone to have sex. It is not sexual at all, in fact. This may sound like a startling and bizarre thing to say, so hear me out. Although rape usually happens when a woman’s body is hurt in what we consider a “sexual” way, rapists themselves tell us that their actions weren’t about being aroused, attracted, turned on, or “horny beyond control.” Rather, it is a crime of violence in which the goal is to take power, not sex, from the person. Sex is the method used to take power and control; not the goal of the control.
Think of it this way: when someone mugs a person at gunpoint, the goal of the crime is to take something valuable from the victim, usually money. It is not about fulfilling a mugger’s desire to point and use a gun. The gun (and the threat) is the method used to take something else from the victim, and rapists use sex as their weapon, not as the thing they want to get.
I tried this
quote on a few of my friends and you could just see the light bulbs go off in
their heads. He does bring up the fact
that this happens to men too, but his booklet mostly focuses on a woman’s
perspective. There is a name for the families of rape victim though that
applies to both.
However, rape does not only affect the woman (or man), but also her family, friends, and other loved ones. Because of this, people in relationships with rape survivors are called secondary survivors; we are not the ones who were attacked, yet we are still hurt and affected. Secondary survivors sometimes need help dealing with the trauma too, and our role as the victim’s helpers makes it important that we prepare ourselves with education and counseling whenever needed.
The booklet goes
on to discuss common myths and inaccurate ideas about rape. He addresses what
is true and correct and how you can help him or her.
• The victim is not responsible--even slightly--for what a rapist has chosen to do. Even if we disagree with some of her decisions during the incident, some of her responses are instincts (not choices), and even when she does choose some of her actions, no choices make rape deserved, natural, or even likely. Only a rapist’s choice to attack makes a rape happen.
• All humans--men and women--have three instincts when we feel out life is threatened: Fight, flight, or freeze. None of these choices is “better” than the other, so we should resist judging a victim who did something other than “what I would have done in that situation...”Nearly all rape survivors will blame themselves or feel guilty after the rape. This is an unhealthy but natural way for her to psychologically protect herself by trying to figure out what she “did wrong,” so she’ll be able to “fix it” and keep it from happening again. It is important that you not go along with it, and even disagree and insist that none of it was her fault.
You can help by:
• Knowing the myths, and not falling for them
• Understanding what she is going through and why she blames herself
• Listening without asking prying questions, but also reminding her that she is not to blame
• Allowing her to make decisions to regain control (except the decision to blame herself; you will gently but solidly teach her that she is not at fault)
Then he
brings up actual questions the victim will wonder like:
“Will I need medical care?”
“Should I tell my family?”
“Should I report this to police?”
“Could it happen again?”
“Will I become pregnant? “
“What if I get a disease like AIDS?”
“Will others reject me now?”
“Am I ruined for the rest of my life?”
“Will I be an embarrassment to the people I love?”
“Can my life be normal again?”
It also
provides the reader with what both the mother and father will feel, and how it affects
your child’s emotional and mental state.
Going after the guy can scare your daughter by making her wonder if the attacker will come after her for revenge because she told someone what he’d done, had him beaten up, etc. Retaliation by the rapist is possible in some instances. And it shows her that yet one more person she thought she could trust becomes violent as a way of handling angry emotions. She’s just had to deal with one person like that; the last thing she wants to see is yet another person in her life using violence to achieve what a goal. That can make her feel guilty, as if she’s imposed an emotional burden on you. She may see the fierce anger of your reaction and wish she hadn't stressed you out with one more thing for you to have to deal with. She may even try to take the role of being your comforter, counseling and soothing you when in fact she is the one in need.
It also
discusses in detail what course of action a parent should take to deal with
these new feelings. Questions every parent faces like; what kind of actions will
help her most, and what to do when the response the victim
gives you isn't what you were expecting to hear. But most importantly,
why does that make him or her feel that way?
• Your daughter will be confused after the assault, so it is important that you discuss the need
for medical care. But it is entirely her choice whether to undergo an evidence-collecting
examination.
• Men often have an instinct to seek revenge, but this is a poor option that can further
traumatize the victim, rather than helping her.
• You are more helpful by listening than by asking questions. Allow her to choose what to say, and when, but without prying or rushing her to open up.
• When your daughter blames herself--and she will--it is important that you disagree and
assure her repeatedly that she is not to blame for the rape, no matter what bad decisions she might have made before or after the attack.
• Family members try to be helpful in many ways that aren't always helpful. They should not invade her privacy, pretend it didn't happen, use jokes to cope, make threats, or express their anger to (or at) her.
It brings up
important issues that parents push:
Don’t feel shut out or hurt if she isn't immediately open to you about the rape. It’s not a sign that she doesn't trust you or has lost her love for you, it is a sign that she might not trust herself just yet. She will need a long time to grow strong again before she can discuss it with anyone, even you. Then again, some daughters are immediately open. But don’t disrespect her privacy by prying, inquiring, or pressing her to be open, even if you believe “it’s so we can deal with it and move on.”
To me though,
one of the most powerful parts of this booklet is his discussion of the
different stages of recovery and how they look like the victim is getting
worse, when she’s actually getting better.
But be aware that a relapse into negative behaviors is common and likely. And here’s something confusing you should know: her chances of “relapse” into her old problem behaviors are greatest when things seem to have been “going well” for a while. Don’t give up on counseling just because she relapses into depression, self-harm, moodiness, or even substance abuse. If anything, make sure counseling is consistent.
The third stage is marked by the return of the distress responses she experienced earlier (depression, anxiety, fear, insomnia, nightmares, drug use, tension headaches, etc.). To her, this can seem like a failure to cope or a complete collapse of her strength, and that will frighten her and perhaps aggravate you. You may wonder, “what happened? She was doing so well!” She’ll probably wonder the same thing, and then feel depressed as she sees her second-stage strength appear to crumble: “I’m a failure! I’m slipping right back down again!” Some survivors even have suicidal thoughts at this regression stage (because they think they’re failing themselves and everyone else, or they start to believe that these painful feelings will apparently never go away). This is where family relationships undergo the most stress because husbands, parents, and others hadn't planned on “getting more of the same.” Arguments are common, and her criticisms of you and herself become very sharp.
And as every
victim and survivor knows, the most healing thing you can do as a parent is:
Tell her you love her. Tell her you love her. Tell her again that you love her. Got that yet? Tell her you love her.
He concludes
with ways you can help, such as counseling through volunteering at rape crisis centers
and work to help make stronger rape laws, and just making people more aware
around you.
There is no easy way to coast through the recovery process, but counseling can help. It can teach her to recognize the steps of her recovery so she isn't so frightened when they happen, and it can teach you how to help her cope. Rape crisis centers usually offer free counseling to survivors at any point, no matter how long after the rape has occurred. I suggest using these counseling opportunities because the counselors will be specially trained and familiar with RTS. (Rape Trauma Syndrome)
All in all I
think this booklet was the best and most thorough source of information you
could give any parent. Though I understand it's hard for a parent to bite down
their emotions and pride to hear these steps out and implement them, overall
the benefit for the victim and for your relationship with her afterwards will
be worth it.
Check out more about R.I.S.E. at any of the following:
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